Wednesday, May 29, 2013

100

100 on *sparklingly [http://sparklingly.blogspot.com]
{ Buds & bubbles! }

And just like that, I'm at one hundred. After keeping my old, post-college blog alive for only 7 months and perhaps no more than 40 or so posts, I'm a little shocked that I made it this far.

Before deleting it I backed up the pages offline, and "flipping" through it now it's just as good as discovering one of those plastic, padlocked diaries little girls have. Some of my scribbling seems so  grownup, yet so incredibly naive. Like this, from almost exactly 7 years ago: 
Sunday, June 11, 2006
And you said, be still my love When I first heard Colin Hay's "Waiting For My Real Life to Begin" three years ago, I felt sure it was my song. Like most, when I get a whiff of certain scents, or hear the faint chords of a familiar song I'm instantly transported to a specific moment in time. But this song doesn't take me to a point in my life, rather it seems to define my life. My constant search for...something.

"Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me"
This morning I walked through my door at five o'clock as the sky began to lighten. I changed from my dress of high expectations and sat on my bed in my pajamas facing the glass door. I pulled the blinds and the door open and sat, thinking. Watching, as the night retreated and I was left alone to watch the day begin.
"And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
Why does it seem that nothing ever works out the way I thought it would? Leaving school one has so many dreams and ideas about what life will hold, and a year out, nothing has morphed into what I expected. Of course, I can't sit and uselessly blame the gods, I'm sure part of the problem is me, but how much? 
"When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again"
How unfulfilled can one person be? How many times do I have to sit and quietly hold my jealousy in as I watch friends live their dreams? How often do I lose people close to me to their romantic partners?
"And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
After a long night filled with too many introductions, too many dissapointments, and too many bouts of jealousy I realized I was too weak to subject myself to a morning of torment. I wiped my eyes and pulled the covers over me.
"And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin"

Funny how some things change, and some things really never do.

I wonder how it will be to look back at this place 7 years from now. Where I'll be, what I'll be doing, what I'll be thinking of...

4 comments :

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, dear! And, thanks for sticking around the last 7+ years ;).

      Delete
  2. i'm in denial that 2006 was 7 years ago. And of course you are at 100 posts...you have been crazy productive!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a note!

XOXO,
J.